Thursday, April 17, 2008

When Your Husband is Gay

One of the number one key word searches that bring people to both my English and Spanish blogs has to do with questions from women who want/need to know what to do when they find out their husbands are gay. That or simply the question, How do I know if my husband is gay? Is my husband a homosexual?

I have a blog entry, My Gay Husband—A Spouse Speaks Out, (and a similar one in Spanish) which is my most visited entry. Women have added their own stories and questions in the comments section. Yesterday I received another comment that I want to share. Wives with similar experiences, feel free to offer whatever support you can over at the original thread. I feel at a loss as to what to say, but I have seen you comfort and support each other in marvelous ways.
Thank goodness I found this site. I have been married 38 years and I have asked my husband if he is gay or bi but he always said no. Two days ago I found out that he is and it explains so much. Of course I feel betrayed, that our marriage is a fraud and a sham. My sons are young adults now and I worry what they will think. At least I know the reason he always came to bed later and avoided any kind of affection and sex became non existent no matter how hard I tried. It seems that my whole adult life has crumbled into nothing. He was my first and only love..he promised to grow old with me, he gave me sons, the one person that I always trusted and thought never lied to me.

If you are currently living a lie like this with a woman, please, stop it now before you crush her completely. Do not let your selfishness hurt so many lives.

Just found out and words can't express how devastated and alone I feel. There is no one that I can talk to as I do not want to tell our sons (he should do that) or his family, I do not want to hurt him by telling friends or coworkers. It is like a tsunami has come through my life without warning and destroyed my entire world.
One excellent resource is the Straight Spouse Network. I know some people have had problems getting a response from them, but I was told that they have since changed their protocol and say that they will respond to every e-mail they receive.

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At 12:41 PM , Blogger A Lewis said...

Been there and done that, Unfortunately. I can't begin to tell you about the horrible feelings of living with her for so long. But, I also must say, that the situations are not always as simple as placing the blame on the gay closeted man. There are many, many mixed-up journeys out there.

At 11:56 AM , Blogger Peterson Toscano said...

lewis, I totally hear what you are saying. It is not a blame game, but as you suggest people need to take responsibility for their part.

The sad thing is that many of these straight women (and some straight men)entered their marriages not knowing their spouse had struggled, at times for years, before deciding to get married. It is hard on everyone, but especially the straight spouse.

As a gay man, I came out and found a community ready to welcome me with open arms. I got to experience the joy of finally accepting myself, of living a new life. Sure there were hard times too, but I found lots of support and resources.

The wives of many of these gay closeted men find the opposite experience. They can bump up against accusation, coldness and the loss of key relationships. Their "coming out" experience is a breach birth of sorts filled with risks and heartache, self-doubt and pain.

For a straight person who willingly marries someone who has had almost exclusively gay or lesbian attractions, they need to look at that and see their part in creating a marriage that had a high risk of failing. Also many other factors lead to the breakdown of a marriage, not just the gay thing. But it can become the deal breaker and at times the ultimate scapegoat.

Most of the women who have shared their stories here on my blog found out about their gay husbands after years of not knowing, years of being told that everything was okay (even after they asked their spouse directly). This experience can devastate a woman who suddenly has to live a new life and often be the one to pick up the pieces. Too often I have found the gay husbands, in dealing with their own new lives, insensitive and judgment of their wives' (and former wives') struggle.

At 10:53 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too had found out my husband was gay after 14 years of marriage and two children. There were no signs other than the fact that he was not into sex. He was very difficult to live with at times, angry and demanding and very harsh with our son. We have been divorced for 3 years and I have since re-married and am happier now than I have ever been, so there is life after "the coming out". I find the most difficult thing in this whole situation is the children. My daughter who is 15 knows that her father is gay and while she doesn't quite understand the situation she is accepting of it. My son is 18 and I still can't bring myself to tell him. I feel it is up to his father but he refuses, I'm sure because he knows it will severely damage any relationship he might have with his son as there is much tension already. I don't know if our son will ever accept his father being gay...

At 4:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just found out 3 weeks ago my husband is gay. We were married for 2 years but together for 7 and I had NO idea he was gay. He wanted sex all the time until a year ago and i thought we were just growing apart but then he told me. we are still BEST friends and he has moved on. but I do also think that if you know or think you're gay please do not marry a woman. it is so hard to deal with because there is no one to talk to. i fully support him for coming out and being himself now and he's so much happier but it really hurts and you feel so lonely.

At 9:11 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too found out after 21 years of marriage and 2 grown daughters that my husband has had homosexual thoughts since he was 13 years old. The only reason he "came out of the closet" was because he had backed himself into a corner and he had no way out. The night he told me I was absolutely a wreck. He stated he never acted out the feelings with anyone but still my trust in him has been strained. I don't trust him and I may never again. He lives in another state now because of his job. It has been a trial but not as bad as you might think. I am used to sleeping alone and I don't mind it at all now. It has been over 2 years and we are still together, in a sense. Our daughters have no idea and I don't intend on them ever finding out. He is a Christian and is in counseling but I am still catching him in lies. We have sex but it is only when he is home. Do I love him, now that is a the question of the hour. He used to be my best friend now I just feel lost all the time. I guess I feel obligated to stay, for now, until my girls are out of the house and that is very, very soon.

At 12:56 AM , Anonymous alp said...

Six months ago my husband told me he had a homosexual experience 5 months before at the same time he had been sexually abused by a boy 5 years older than him for 4 years as a child. Two weeks ago he told me he cheated when I was pregnant with our child 12 years ago and again 4 years ago, both with men and then told me he was gay. I've been married to this man for 17 years. He is my best friend and confidant. He is the father of my 12 year old amazing boy. He has decided to leave me and we are telling our son about our divorce on Saturday. We are going to tell our son about his sexuality after he has therapy.
I'm scared to death of living alone and being without the man I've always loved. There are good days and bad was a bad day. I'm lost and have never been so sad.


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